It’s been a minute since I’ve checked in. It’s not that there hasn’t been much going on — there has. I’ve been overwhelmed. I’m basically fully recovered from my surgery in August. I have a consultation for my vaginoplasty in a few weeks and I’m stoked. It’s something I’ve wanted my entire adult life. It took me some time to understand that in combination with other feelings, but I’m confident it’s what I want and need. But at the same time, I’m so fucking depressed.

Trump won the re-election. I cut ties with my family who voted for them. I’m terrified for what this means for the future of trans people. I don’t want to lose my health care, access to HRT, nor the ability to finally get the surgeries I’ve desired for so long. I’m 36 years old — let me choose what’s right for myself, not some conservative old ass yt rich mother fucker. Let me live. Let me be me.

Work is hard right now. I’ve been struggling for a while. I got pretty behind this summer — kind of like I was dealing with some heavy shit for a while. Can we take FMLA for transitioning? People create babies and can get leave — I’m creating life myself here and I could use a fucking break. I’m exhausted. I’m burnt out. I’m overwhelmed in every sense of the word. I’m dying for a release and I don’t know how to get it, so like everyone else in capitalism I suffer through our “polyworking” lifestyle of holding multiple jobs in order to pay the fucking bills.

I met with Leif last night. It was the first time we’ve spent any time together since before he moved out in August. It was strange. We had to meet to discuss some shared budget items for 2025, like health insurance since I’m still on his plan (he gets better health care than either of my jobs offer and we are technically married so may as well.) I’m pretty torn up over that meeting. It was really nice to see him, to be honest. I’ve missed him something awful. How could I not? He was my best friend for 13 years and he was my partner on top of that. Lucky number 13, I guess.

Anyway, we didn’t talk much about “us” as we mostly kept it business. There were some side conversations, of course. He told me this ridiculous story about him trying to get internet installed at his apartment. It was hilarious. We laughed together for the first time in…well, since Spring. It was nice. It was painful. It was a stark reminder of everything we lost. We talked about the possibility of a future friendship. He’s not ready for that. he’s struggling with me having a new partner. I’m struggling with him struggling to be my friend. It’s messy. I’m messy.

I went over to Pockets’ pad after to have dinner and spend the evening with her. It was, admittedly, a little strange to go from hanging out with my ex to seeing my current partner right after. My feelings and emotions were [are] all over the place. Mostly it was fine, but at the end of the night when I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready for bed (don’t forget to floss, kiddos), I broke down. I couldn’t keep it together. The feelings of pain and grief, paired with a distinct lack of sleep and crushing anxiety and stress about the present and the future all came up at once. I was drowning in them. I collapsed to the floor and cried for probably 15 minutes. I just couldn’t stop. Every time I thought I was done another memory would come to mind and remind me that I’m not okay.

Eventually Pockets came to check on me. I was trying my best to just ugly quiet sob and not draw attention to myself, but I think I was gone long enough that she realized something was up. I had shared earlier with her that I was feeling sad and having a hard time after my visit with Leif. It wasn’t a secret, but I just didn’t want to burden her with my feeling sad about my ex. When she and I first started dating my plan was to be ethically non-monogamous. But, doing that with Leif in particular was too hard. He wanted ENM as well, but he didn’t want to be with a woman and while he was comfortable having some affection there were limits to what that looked like, and I didn’t know how to shut off just certain parts of my feelings and desires towards him. As such, I chose to leave him because I couldn’t make it work for me anymore than he could make dating a woman work for him. So, I’ve been monogamous with Pockets since then–most of our relationship.

When Pockets came in, she knelt down and embraced me. I immediately felt better, but started sobbing even harder. I think knowing I found someone who is so kind and compassionate that will support me even as I work through complicated feelings about a former partner added to those emotions and ultimately the tears. She’s so special to me and I’m really grateful for her in my life.

It’s now the next morning and I’m kind of teetering between stable and messy. It’s hard. I’m just feeling a little hollow today. So, I thought I’d blog to work through some of my feelings. If anyone actually reads this, let me know your thoughts. I don’t fully know how to process all of this. I think I’m mostly just tired and overwhelmed and seeing an ex after a long time has me reflecting on the passage of time as a whole, and reflecting on everything lost and everything that we could still lose with tiny hands coming to power again.

#resistfacism and be #visiblytrans this #transgenderawarenessweek / #transgenderactionweek

And for my fellow community members: I see you for who you are 🏳️‍⚧️ It doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy for us but I know we can do this together.