I’m having my testes surgically removed in 7.5 hours. It’s a little surreal. I have a lot of updates to share, but that’s the biggest. I’m in NYC with my gf, she’s going to be my caretaker. I’m really excited, but also pretty nervous. I’m generally a pretty anxious gal to start with, but this feels.. Big. It feels like a major step. It feels affirming. It’s weird because I don’t think trans people need to medically transition. Anatomy and sex do not equal gender (do they imply? Lmk your thoughts unless you’re a transphobe then you can fuck right off, terf.) but I’ve fantasized most of my life about having a vagina instead and this brings me one step closer.

it’s not anxiety like “what if this is the wrong choice”, it’s anxiety like “holy shit this is a big thing and it was only 6 months ago I started hrt and this is crazy so call me maybe” and like “am I really doing this” anxiety. It’s like when you are about to jump off a high diving board, or zip line down a waterfall, or anything that gives you pause if you’re not afraid of heights and water like I am, yet I force myself to do these activities anyway for some pleasure and fulfillment it gives me.

in some ways my whole identity is finally sinking in. My housemate relationship with Leif is coming to an end at the same time as he is moving out next week and I won’t see him anymore for quite some time. That ended as a result of my transition. My balls are going away. I’m having FFS in a few months. My bottom surgery consult is only 3 months out. I have tits now. My whole life looks so radically different today than it did 8 months ago when I was buying a house with Leif and moving in with him literally 8 months ago today.

people keep asking me how I feel. I wish I could answer. I feel like when you’re on a train at high speeds and trying to focus on a single leaf of a tree out the window. I feel like trying to watch a single drop of rain fall in a massive rain storm. I feel like a grain of sand in an hourglass in a centrifuge. (Wait does that work?). I feel like me.

I’m happy. I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m anxious. … I’m exhausted, and I have to be up in 4 hours to go to the hospital, so I’m going to bed. I’ll post again when I’m lucid during recovery.

Bye bye little 🥚s. It’s been fun. 🫡