Today is my birthday. My body is 36 years old, but Shiloh is 1 year old because it’s my first birthday as me. I’ll be honest, today is hard. I have spent most of the morning crying, reflecting on the difficult path and the costs of walking it that my transition represents. I would never change it. I wouldn’t go back. But, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It comes at a high price. Much higher than I ever thought I’d need to pay. It sucks. I feel so happy to be free to be myself, and to finally feel like I’ve embraced my identity and understand so much better the feelings and struggles I’ve felt my whole life with respect to it, but I am heartbroken about what it cost to get here.

I have been finishing the final season of the crown, and there is a clip of the queen reflecting on her life. Watching her in this moment feels like watching myself reflect upon the life I gave up in order to start this new life. It’s lovely and it’s terribly sad. Minor spoiler for the series finale if you watch it below:

And yet, I’m still happy. I have so many wonderful parts of my life right now. My endearing friends, my adorable cat who is also one of my best friends, my jobs, and my girlfriend, who recently wrote me the sweetest card and gave me an incredibly thoughtful gift for my birthday. I have exciting plans with a couple friends and Pockets tonight to go Rollerskating and play Laser Tag at the United Skates of America in RI. I am grateful for my privilege to be able to live my life authentically, and extremely grateful for those who came before me and fought to help make being visible possible.

Today is a good day. Today is a hard day. Today is special, and will be memorable.