So…Let’s talk about Ryan..

Ryan…well, we started dating on 6/16/07. Greg’s 20 birthday, ironically enough. But, this post isn’t about Greg, this is about Ryan. Anyway, Ryan and I met through my (now ex) roommate’s (now ex) girlfriend. She introduced us to each other, and we really liked one another. He thought I had unique style and I thought he was latino. Okay, not really, but he was super tan and really just gorgeous. So the looks attracted me, and then I got to know him and I really liked what I was meeting.

We dated for about 2 months before our first fight. Before that fight, life with Ryan was amazing. I couldn’t get enough of him, and it seemed he not enough of me. After about a month of fighting, well, things weren’t going so well and we broke up for a while. I think it was about 2 weeks.

I had only known him 2 months when that happened and I was very crushed. I’m not sure why as it was only two months, but it seems I get attached to people really easily. I love and hate that about myself. Anyway, so we broke up for about 2 weeks before we got back together and ironically enough moved in together.

The reason we moved in together was because we were both moving from Stevens Point to Wausau for college and we needed roommates. So, alas, we became boyfriends again and roommies. That was the first time I had ever lived with a boyfriend.

That was really quite difficult but enjoyable at the same time. Two apartments and one year later, we’re here now. At this time, we just had our 17 month “anniversary” this last November. I’m going to rewind to last Saturday, though. After a very long 14 hour shift at work, as well as an hour drive to work and another hour drive back, I finally was at home. Ryan and I were up for a long time that night. We talked about everything. We talked about how work was, how his family’s Thanksgiving party was, and we talked about how we were.

We talked about how much we love each other. We talked about how the other made us feel happy and content. We talked about how we love to hang out with each other. We talked about how we don’t feel completely satisified with the other. We talked about how we hurt the other. About how we made each other feel so stressed out and under so many rules and responsibilities and obligations. About how everything we did we criticized the other for it. About how nothing either one of us did was ever good enough for each other, and about how completely opposite we are for each other. We talked about how Ryan doesn’t want attachment when he goes to school in France. We talked about how we should just be best friends instead. We promised each other we’d always be there for the other person.

Not quite one week later, I’m a disaster. I can’t stop thinking about it, ever. My stomach clenches every time I see him. Every time I think of kissing him. Every time I hug him. Every time I roll over in bed and he’s right there, or when I am cold and night and want to cuddle up by his side for warmth. It makes me sick. I talk to him and he’s just fine and it makes it so much worse. It’d be so much easier if he was in pain too, but it seems like he’s not upset at all and it just makes it hurt! I know he loved me and I know he still does, but he said when we were breaking up that he has felt for a long time that we would be better as friends, and I guess I just didn’t realize that he was so sure about it. I am so glad he’s happy that I don’t know how to talk to him about this. I know you’re probably going to read this Ryan and so I will have to talk to you about it before you do read this, and I’m sorry I haven’t yet, but honestly everything is just so hard!

Je t’aime trop de beaucoup, et je me detese pour que! Tu est comme un couteau dans mon estomac!

I saw you cry the night when you broke up and I know you cried the day after when talking to Sara, but why do you have to be so tough since then? Do you not realize it hurts me so to see you be completely over me so simply? I know you forewarned me one of the processes of getting over someone is getting angry at them, but I am not angry at you; I’m just very confused about everything–I don’t understand what I feel or why I feel it. I don’t understand what you feel. I don’t understand why I miss you so although the only thing that truly has changed is our title. I think it’s because I know our time is limited, and because I’m not ready to think of you with other guys yet.

I know you haven’t talked about and don’t really have any interest in other guys at this time, but I know that’s only at this time and that eventually you will. I know that eventually I probably will too, but I’m not ready for me to feel like that either! I’m not ready to tell you that it’s over, I’m not ready to tell you that I’m okay with you dating other guys, I’m not ready to stop kissing you, I’m not ready to stop saying I love you, I’m not ready to stop being with you, to start recognizing that our time together is limited by the duration of our rental lease. I’m not ready to let go, but I know I have to. I will let go, and I’m going to survive no matter what happens between us.

It’s just so much more difficult because I want this, but at the same time nothing hurts me more and it feels like I’m being ripped apart from the inside out. I’m going nuts thinking about this non-stop. I cry every day and I hate it. I know you said I can talk to you about my feelings but I can’t rely on you to comfort me every time I’m sad because no matter what you say, you’re not always going to be there for me. I need to learn how to depend on myself to take care of my own feelings, but it’s so hard to do with you being around me–I just want to cry on your shoulder and have you hold me until I cannot cry anymore, until you fill me with the love that I am so missing, until you kiss me.

Don’t touch me not because I don’t love you, because I can’t love you. This is all too hard. I can’t be so close to you so soon after, I simply can’t handle this.