Summer. 2003/2004. I am carefree, content, happy, alone but free, joyous. My average summer day consists of working a four hour shift, 3 out of 7 days a week, and playing video games the rest of the day. I stay up until night becomes morning to afternoon, sleep, go to work, repeat. I was the happiest kid in the world.

Times change. Summer 2005. One day into it, and I’m ready to sit down and give up. Just being in this house makes me depressed, between the remembrance of when I used to enjoy it here, and the people I am here with. Called friends, no one is free, I am alone again, but no longer happy with it. Was overjoyed to hear that someone needed a night off work, gave me something to do when they called me as a sub. I was released from the void, for a brief 3 hours. Only to return unwelcomed by a field of darkness, plane of hatred, pool of boredom, surrounded by the beckoning vows of unnacceptance. I am careful, incontent, sad, alone in allies but surrounded by enemies, depressed. I can only wait for the next day to come and begin with a fresh start.

I sit here, typing this, as if I have a bad life. I do not. I have a good life: I have a great job with ever expanding possibilities, multiple friends who care about me and I care about them, someone to love, an unknowing family unstressed about my issues, a parent. It could be worse, I could lack all of that and more. It could be better, I could have an accepting family, unbordered in the means of their own minds, I could live closer to the person I love, I could be unconcerned with the auroras of anger that defile me like a starving lion preying upon a zebra.

I look upon life, and take it for what it is worth. Complaining about my problems will not make them go away, or in any form help me resolve them. I am not trying to complain, I am trying to push them away, I do not care for solving them at this time, I just want to place an impassable distance between myself and them. I know this is not possible, but I know of no other method to relieve myself of them. I am not powerful enough to solve them, I am merely a 16 year old boy, trying to place a foothold in the unstable world. I need help, I am drowning myself further after every attempt to bring myself back up.

Life. The dictionary has it’s main definition as “The property or quality that distinguishes living organisms from dead organisms and inanimate matter, manifested in functions such as metabolism, growth, reproduction, and response to stimuli or adaptation to the environment originating from within the organism.” Is this really how to define life? Sure, the science sounds correct, but I’ve always been more of a philosopher than a scientist. I think I would rather define it as “A damnation sent to us all for the sole purpouse of bringing a persona to death.” Sounds like a happy definition, no?

Ahh, it matters not. Matter only matters when the matter that is of matter is matter enough to matter more than the matter of which is currently mattering upon. I think. I just am ready to give up. I am not trying to sound suicidal, that is not my goal at hand right now, I just need guidance. What would dad do? Oh well that’s good thinking Elliott, he ended up dead.

Death. The five letters bring more meaning to me than anything else I can place in my mind, yet I am completely unknowing of it, at the same time. It one of the few things that in order to truly understand, you must experience it, yet by experiencing it, you will never understand it. Paradoxial. It goes hand in hand with life. Can you have life without death, or death without life? I do not believe you can.

Sigh. I just want to find the hardest and sharpest brick, and throw my head into it several times, perhaps that will help me to be brought to my senses and realize what is really on my mind – pain sucks.

Humour. The most prided method to place that distance between problems at hand, a distraction from lifes death, or deaths life. Can death have a life? Meh, a mere sidenote. I often use humour to avoid topics I am wary of in the sense, I am either to unknowing of it to proceed with rash logic, or it is something I just do not wish to talk about. Of course, there are the times when I simply use humour just for the sake of being comical.

I’m digressing. No matter, I’ve confused myself to the point where I do not understand myself yet what I was thinking about before, for better or worse.

I’m making myself angry: I am so lost in the course of my life, I do not know what my first step to recover would be. I’ve become so entangled with my own problems, it is beginning to make me selfish, not something I want. Every day it becomes harder to focus on my goals, because I keep encountering more obstacles. Maybe I am setting my goals too high. Argh! I do not even know what the hell my goals are, and here I am, fucking sitting around whining about every little thing in my life, when I should be enjoying myself! I should be grateful I have it as well off as I do, I know of plenty of other people who are in much worse situations than I! Yet my selfishness has blinded me with arrogance, ignorance, and every other trait I despise! Where in the hell is that brick? I’d like to further talk about the problems I had today, my mother being the main one, but it would be further selfish, not an admirable trait.

Fucking hell, I keep masking all my emotions from myself, and whoosh, in one night they all build up and explode right in my face! I am ready to scream! I just for one day, want to catch a break, I want life to be simple, I just want to live! No acknowledgement of the problems I have, no thoughts concerning anything that I do not like, I need to get away! Break away from these boundaries in life and just escape from everything. Sigh. I’m aware of how impossible that is, yet it is the one goal I am most set on, the one goal I actually understand and am yet completely astonished in the fact I know nothing of it: life.

Hmm. I actually feel fine once again, after posting this and listening to some serious angry music. Perhaps that new day has come early. 🙂