Well, yeah. I am. I’m trans femme 🏳️⚧️. I came out as nonbinary in 2018 or 2019–I can’t remember exactly which. I think privately in ’18 and publicly in ’19. My friend Devon Price helped me with that journey back when I still lived in Chicago. Oh, I didn’t tell you that I lived in Chicago because it’s been like … 13 years since I posted here? WHEW. Okay, let’s back up a few steps. How about a quick timeline?
Late 2010/Early 2011
I decided to move to England. Greg and I got engaged (mostly platonically for citizenship.)
March 2011
I met a boy named Todd at a conference, while hanging out with my good friend Owén. Also funny story I hooked up with this cutie, Caio (I’m not positive how to spell it, tbh) the night before. He ended up dating Todd for a while after I (spoiler) moved to England. Todd and I hit it off before I moved and we went on quite a few dates. I was really, really into Todd. But, I was determined not to let a boy keep me from England again, and I’m proud of myself for sticking to that decision.
Summer 2011
I moved to England to get married to Greg. Bad decisions were made. Greg was awful. He was racist and misogynistic. He was cruel. He killed a cat. A CAT!! I broke it off with Greg after about a month there. I didn’t know many people, but I had made friends with a few great folks: Martyn, Dan, Kane, and Jay, in particular. Kane and Jay were a couple and they lived with Dan. They let me stay with them for weeks. I would have been homeless without their generosity. I can never repay them enough (though I’ve tried, but housing them here in the states a few times!) Martyn and I have mostly lost touch, but he was fantastic. He took good care of me and had the best hot tub parties a girl could ask for. Truly, despite all the horror and awful stuff that happened over summer, these were friends for life. I still care and love for all of them, and Dan, Kane, and Jay and I talk regularly still. I just spoke with Kane today!
I tried to make England work. I couldn’t. I failed. I gave up. Citizenship is fucking difficult to get if you’re not fucking a resident. Oh, speaking of, I hooked up with this cute twink, Brendan. We dated for a while. He wasn’t very smart but god damn he was hot and great in bed. I stayed with him for about a month before breaking it off when I decided to return to the states. It was weird being homeless. Slept around a lot for a place to sleep.
Fall 2011
I got in contact with Todd again before I moved back. He was recently single (he just had broken up with Caio), and wasn’t ready to date but was willing to go on dates, at least. So, in late October when I returned home he and I went on a date for Halloween at Oz Bar in Wausau. We went on dates for months. I tried to convince him to be my boyfriend, unsuccessfully, until December. He finally said yes! Unfortunately, this was also the time I realized that my semen was now yellow (that’s bad, if you weren’t sure) — he knew I was being a slut in England for a while and that I had to wait to get tested until enough time had passed, so it’s not like he wasn’t aware of any risk — but, sure enough, right around the time we started dating is when I was told I had contracted my first (and hopefully only) STI — syphilis! A big ol’ shot of penicillin in the butt, and back to normal.
I lived with my friends Jim & Jeff, and later with my friend Robby/LJ for the rest of 2011. I resumed my old jobs temporarily, long enough to save enough money to GTFO of Wausau. I moved to Madison to be closer to Todd, where he lived. We lived separately, but at least in the same city.
Jan 2012
I moved to Madison right around new years. Got a horrible job at a phone caption service company called CapTel (or something similar). I didn’t know anyone. I had no money. My credit was terrible. I was going through bankruptcy. Life was not great. But, one great thing I had in it was my relationship with Todd. He made me so happy when the rest of the world seemed so hard and dark. 💜 Also, Skyward Sword and Diablo 3 had just come out around that time so those also helped… 🙃
Summer 2012
Todd quits his job at United Council (long story, he can blog about that), partially because he was accepted into a doctorate program at Northwestern University to get his PhD in English. His PhD! I didn’t even have my associates at the time, but I was at least back in the UW colleges working on it again…
I went to visit Chicago with him. (Northwestern is in Evanston, a suburb immediately north of Chicago.) I didn’t think I could ever afford to live there. I was sure he was going to fall in love with someone more successful that me. I was terrified. But, as it turned out, I found a cheap place that was made possible by having multiple roommates. So, I moved to Evanston for a while, to stay near him, but once again living separately.
2012-2019
Todd and I stayed together. We eventually would move in together, around 2013 or 2014. I went back to school. I got my bachelors in computer science from Loyola University. Then, my masters! Then I started TEACHING at a university! WHAT?! So fucking weird. That life trajectory was UNEXPECTED. Anyway, it was a wild time. Todd finished his PhD program and had a post doc or visiting assistant professor thing. I can’t remember exactly which because they seem very similar to me? We adopted a cat, the best boy ever, Sebastian Baron Fuzzyboots. He is truly my best friend. Todd, too.
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| The best boy |
Ooft a lot happened in this period. Just, a ton. That friend I mentioned earlier? Devon? Well, I met him when I worked for SCPS – the School of Continuing and Professional Studies at Loyola where I was teaching computer science part-time to adults. Devon helped me work through my first gender crisis. Surprise! I’m not a boy. I’m just a they/them causing mayhem. Thanks for your help, Devon 😘 (PS Devon is a prolific blogger and writer. They’ve published several books, I think one of them a best seller, and they have a huge following on Medium and social media. They travel all over the country to give talks. I am so fucking proud of him. Google Dr. Devon Price to find his work!)
March 13, 2013
A few other big updates. In March 2013 I had a quarter life crisis (let’s be real, 1/3 life crisis? I hope just that anyway..). I was walking along the beach in Rogers Park one day, and I realized how sad I was with the state of my life. I imagined dying in a hospital bed from lung cancer. Todd would be there telling me how much we would miss me, and I could only think of him living another 20-30 years and me not being there for it. Seeing him fall in love with someone else. It was awful. But, it motivated me to change my path. I quit smoking that day. I applied for college that day (to get my bachelors at Loyola). I became a vegetarian again. I started a business (shout out to Ellytronic Media)! I got a gym membership. That one didn’t last–all the others did!
December 2019
Todd was offered a job at Dickinson College in Carlisle, PA. It’s a small town. like 18,000 people. Super tiny. We talked about it in great detail. He took it. We had big plans for what 2020+ would look like…
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| Todd and I on the day he found out about the new job, visiting family in Hawaii |
March 2020
Well, you probably know where this is going. We were mid-process of buying our very first home together, something that living in small town PA allowed us to do, when suddenly a wild Covid appears. Covid strikes first! Covid uses “pandemic!” It’s super effective!
Things got messy for all of us. Things got delayed. My business, Ellytronic, which had been shockingly successful, suddenly was in huge turmoil. All my clients fired me, basically, because of Covid / economy panic. Then, suddenly, everyone wanted to hire me back as we realized it would be more than just 2 weeks were were inside.
May 2020
Our house purchase finally goes through. But, because of the pandemic, we had to do the closing in the kitchen of the new place. We still lived in Chicago. We didn’t know if planes were safe. We didn’t know if hotels were safe. And, the sellers were unable to move out because of Covid restrictions on housing. So, we drove in one day from Chicago to PA, signed the closing paperwork, wrote a huge check, then drove all the way back to Chicago. That was a horrible day. Long and terrifying. Each way is about 9-11 hours depending on traffic, so doing it twice in one day was not fun™️
June 2020
We finally moved in at the end of June. Bye, Chicago! We’ll miss you but we weren’t able to say bye to anyone because the ongoing pandemic. Also, moving was another pesadilla.
July 2020 – June 2023
We lived in Carlisle. It was not good. I had such big hopes for life there. None of them came to fruition, except that we were able to afford a lovely home, our first home. I’ll never forget it. It was amazing! Still, I liked the outdoors. There were mountains. Mountains!! I had barely seem Mountains IRL before. There were “rail trails!” I had never heard of those. Old railway lines converted into beautiful walking and biking trails. The rest of Carlisle? Well, there was very little gay community. Very little trans community. I had very few friends. I was lonesome every day. I felt unsafe. I felt like my soul was being diminished more and more every day. I needed to get out!
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| Home sweet home |
We had been on a 5-year plan for Carlisle. The idea was that we would live there for 4 years, then on year 4-5 Todd would find a new job to take us to a better place. After 2 years I told him to start looking because I needed to leave. I just couldn’t take it. I was making my own plans in the case it didn’t work out with him. Canada? DC? Costa Rica? All options I explored. But, thankfully, he found a new role between year 2-3, which led us to Boston in…
July 2023
Boston! But wait, I missed an important thing…
February 2022
Remember Owén? Well, they told me to come to Costa Rica with them for a program they had been working on (TEFL Certificate). I was working full-time still for Ellytronic, so it was easy to make this happen since I just had to sleep with the boss to arrange that. So I did. I went to CR for 5 weeks. Five of the best fucking weeks of my life. That trip was unforgettable, excluding chances of Alzheimers and Dementia and such. I started learning Spanish–something I had no idea that interested me–but it did, and it does. I have continued taking private lessons several days a week every week (with a few exceptions for travel) since returning. Just over years of lessons now y por fin puedo decir que hablo español sin mentiras. Aún qué tengo que aprender más, puedo hablar con fluidez. Thanks for motivating me on this, Owén. you’re a fucking gem. 💎
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| Owén and me in Costa Rica. My hair was very windswept from the boat |
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| The view from the school where I studied Spanish. JFC it was just gorgeous |
Right, back to
July 2023
Boston! Phew, well, this post is getting long, and the last 10 months or so since moving here have been full. There’s a lot to say. Spoiler alert: I come out as trans. Secondary spoiler alert: that man I loved so much? Todd? Well, he’s going by Leif now. Third spoiler alert: turns out when you date a gay man, and then you realize you’re a woman and not a boy nor even a masc-ish enby, that, well…things get hard. things get messy. things get broken, like hearts 💔
…Okay if this were 2011 or so when I last wrote here, I would have DEFINITELY ended the post like that, in the most melodramatic way I could think of. But, I’m a little more put together now, even as I go through my second round of puberty (details to follow). So, let me say this. I’ll try to post the last 10 months to here soon. But, this is my first post in about 13 years, and I think that’s good enough for now. I don’t think anyone still reads this. if you do, wow. I wonder what you thought and felt when you got a notification about an update to this blog after all this time? Leave a comment and let me know if you made it here, and what your thoughts are, or be like old times and leave me a nasty note for being pansexual and not just gay, and calling me self righteous (i mean, i was, but still some of y’all were really fucking bothered about me being pan/bi and i wonder what your reflection on that is after all this time, but don’t worry i’m not bothered about all these years later and definitely don’t think of it regularly 🫠) 🏳️🌈
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