So I just left the Hampton Inn, where my now ex-boyfriend Ryan works. I’ll tell you more about him later on, probably in a different post. Anyway, while I was there his sister called him and he told her that he would talk to her later because “Elliott is here right now, actually.” Which, after asking him to confirm, she wanted to talk to him about me.

Personally, I think it’s wonderful that he has a family that is involved with his life and shows that they care. I’m by no means upset that they’re talking about me, actually, I’m quite envious. I wish that I had a family that was more involved with my life. I wish I had a family that would inquire about my life.

I try to get close to my older brother, Russell, but he’s in Germany and simply it’s hard to maintain contact with him being so far away. We only talk a couple times a month. I’ve tried getting close to my sister Jamie, but she’s very busy. I know that if I ever truly needed anything I could speak to her about it, but I also get the feeling that if I just wanted to talk to her about life, or have her become more a part of mine and me a part of hers, that she wouldn’t be so interested. My little brother, Oliver, is just…whatever. I’ve tried getting close to him but to be honest, he’s a little punk who does things that really drive me nuts, and I can’t stand the people he associates with. That leaves my mother — a complete and utter lunatic, fancied only by her husband, which the only reason I can come up with as why he likes her is the sex. My mother is so self involved that everything I have to tell her about my life she has to one up. She manages to relate every topic to herself and why the whole world should feel pity for her. The only pity I feel for her is that she has to spend her life not realizing that she’s nuts.

So anyway, the point is, I wish I had someone in my life who cared about me. At this point, Ryan cares deeply about me I know. Even though him and I are now separated, we still love each other very much. The reasons for the break up are complicated, but let’s just say that after almost 18 months of dating, we decided friends is a better title for us. But, I know that when he finds someone else special to him, or when we move out of this apartment, and are unlikely to be roommates again, that we’re going to become more and more distant. That scares the hell out of me. Ryan is the only person I have in my life who knows me. He’s the only person who talks to me on a daily basis, and to be honest, not many of my friends talk to me more than on a weekly basis, if even. My family? On a monthly basis maybe.

All of my friends and family have become so distant to me over the last several years, and I feel terribly alone. I really wish that I had more than 1 person special to me in my life. More than 1 person who was involved with my life, and for me to be involved with theirs.

I know this is just as much my fault, if not moreso, for my friendships growing distant, but I feel like they’ve all moved on and have more important things and people in their lives than me. I feel like I need to escape. Maybe to Canada or Europe. Maybe even simply Madison for college next fall. Like I need to start my life over, hopefully even do it right this time. I keep falling back on Ryan as someone to rely on, but I have to remind myself that he’s not always going to be there for me, just as I’m not always going to be there for him, despite how much we tell each other that’s not the case. When he finds someone else, or when I find someone else, or when we move apart we will become more distant. It always happens. I don’t want it to happen. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to have to replace any more people in my life I can’t handle it!!

…I don’t want to be alone in life.