I wrote this email the night I came out of the closet to myself.

9:35pm, May 18th, 2005.

Hey Greg,

I was in the midst of sending you a really important email, and
something happened and I lost it, so I’ll start over I guess.

First off, I’d wanted to apologize for leaving so abruptly once again
today. I felt really bad after ditching you for another friend. As
sad as this may sound since I really only know you from online, you
are most definitely my best friend, I feel as if I can trust you with
anything, and I hope you feel the same trust towards me. I have other
friends, but I’ve never been able to understand anyone like I
understand you, I place an extreme value on our friendship.

Due to that, I thought I’d ask you for your advice on this one topic
that has been nagging at me for who knows how long. I think I’m
finally ready to come to terms to _myself_ with my sexuality. I am
bisexual. There is not a damn thing I can do about it; I don’t want
to be, I didn’t ask for this, it’s just part of who I am.

It’s not that I mind to an extreme amount being that way, I know there
is plenty of others who are the same way as me, but I’m not concerned
with any of them. What I am concerned about, is what those closest to
me will think, my family, my friends, Abbie, you?

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about life. I’m not able to
comprehend most of the “why” or “how” questions, but I do know that
there is at least one purpose of it, to enjoy it. For me, that’s
spending time with those who I love and cherish being with them or
just able to talk to them.

I don’t know anyone will react if I tell them, that’s why I need your
advice. I know you are someone I can trust with this, as when I’ve
touched briefly upon the subject before, you’ve always been very
accepting, and I thank you so much for that, it really does mean an
unbelievably large amount me.

Will they be surprised? Angry? Disappointed? Accepting?
Supportive? There is really only one way to find out. I’m ready to
tell people, but I’m not ready for the consequences. I feel as though
I am stuck in a prison, which I like to call society. I know anyone
who is truly my friend, will be supportive of this, and I should not
worry about the others opinions then, but they still do mean something
to me, and I don’t think I’m ready to lose their friendship if they
don’t accept me for who I am.

Is that something I’m going to have to deal with either way? I wish I
could say no, but I’m fully aware that’s not the case. I’m just so
sick of always having to put on masks for the sake of other people, so
I can fit in. I have so much respect for you, you seem as though you
can always tell people exactly who you are, and you take no shame in
it. It makes me so happy to know at least no matter who I tell, and
how they react, that I’ll always at least have you as a friend, who
actually cares.

I plan on telling Nick, my life long friend tonight, when I go to star
wars with him. I don’t want to ruin the movie for him by distracting
him with my own problems, so I’ll tell him afterwards. I am in fear
that he may take all of the gay jokes I have made with him over the
years as serious, I have only done them just for giggles, it’s
something we can both have a laugh about. I just pray that he has
been accepting of me as you have been over the last 2 years you have
been such a wonderful friend to myself.

My family will be the hardest. I am almost positive my sister Jamie
will understand. Her and I have always been very close, which is
partly why I’m so incredibly afraid to tell her, I couldn’t imagine
not having her as someone who is always there if I need her. Even if
she does understand though, what about my brothers? My mom? My
brothers would be sickened, I imagine. My mother? A huge anti gay
person, partly due to the fact that my dad had an affair on her once
with a guy, I think it has scarred her for life. My grandmother won’t
even go within 100 feet of someone she knows is gay. My grandpa? I
don’t know, he’s always seemed accepting, but I don’t want to upset
him so much it physically hurts him. He’s weak enough already.

Maybe I am better off only telling a few people at a time. My closest
friends, and then my sister. If that works out, maybe eventually I
will be ready to tell more people, but right now I just don’t think I
can do it.

I am barely able to type this email right now, my eyes are being
flooded with tears of emotion, quickly surfacing from my fearful
thoughts.

Even if I lose every single one of my friends, lose the support and
love of my family; I will still be the luckiest guy in the world, I
know I’ll always have the support of you. After telling you all of
this, I hope you don’t take this as a gay thing, but I love you Greg.
You are the one person who always has, and who I hope always will be
there when I am in need of a friend. I don’t feel the same towards
any other friends, I appreciate them, but am willing to become
disconnected if it needs to be. You on the other hand, are anything
and everything I’ve always looked for in a friend, and I hope that
never changes, I don’t know how I would manage without you. Your
friendship is a part of me. You’re in my blood.

I do hope I have not freaked you out or anything of the sort, but I
really needed to tell someone about all of this, and I am already
feeling much better. Thanks for everything over the years.

With much friendship,

Elliott =)

My, what can change in a year. Not only do I now consider myself gay rather than bi, but I also love being it, rather than how I yearned to be straight the night I was typing this email. I was so ashamed. Now I am proud.

Currently, all my friends know, most of their parents, the school knows, my coworkers know, everyone from my immediate family, as well as my Grandmother (unsure of grandfather,) and a few cousins and possibly their parents know. I’m sure the rest all assume, just don’t want to risk falsely accusing me for fear that they may offend.

Perhaps all of you can now understand why I love Greg so much, this email pretty much sums it up. He is my hero, my best friend, my love. Thank you for everything, Greg. And Rich, I may still be hiding in that closet if it weren’t for you, so major kudos and thanks to you as well.

I love you both, in slightly different manners.

Looking forward to another year in the life of a queer.

Cheers.