So Ryan is old news, by now. Broke up with him again a while ago. Started dating this girl named Zoe (with umlauts above the e, pronounced Zoey.) Anyways, I really liked her. She was extremely intruiging, great personality and anything that didn’t go her way, she could simply brush off and continue living a happy life. Very admirable trait. We dated for 5 days, which may not seem like much, but we both became attached very quickly.

I was on my way to chem large group today, and I seen her in the halls. Naturally, I stopped to say hello. It was then, I recieved the letter. Handing me the letter with infinite grief, she grimly wore a relentlessy empathetic frown upon her beautiful face. She proceeded to hug me and hold me tight, before turning away to go to class. Ignorant me, I hadn’t picked up on these signs, and figured it was a bad day and a rant letter.

I forwarded to chemistry, unfolding the letter and reading while walking up the stairs. The letter read:

“Confession #5

Time for some honesty. You believe in math, right? This + This = That?

I like you a lot. We’re dating. That, I believe, makes it inevitable that I will love you. Which, in and of itself is a beautiful concept I have a little problem with.

But you’re leaving. I would never try to stop you from doing that.. if anything I would push for you to go. But if I do love you, then when you leave, you’ll take a huge piece of me with you, a peiece of me I don’t know how to live without. I’ve been through this once already, Elliott. I can not do it again.

I’m sorry, I truly am, but I can’t love you. And for me, it’s pretty much all or nothing. So this is me asking that we can please be friends.

Please don’t suddenly pretend I don’t exist, that’s awfully immature. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you these words myself, but I really need you to understand.

(Heart) Zoe-Symone Taylor“

My towering hopes sunk to a bottomless low.

Defeated, I continued my day, trying to my best to stay happy. Three o’clock rolls around, and I head towards the GSA meeting in which I have been attending as of late. It’s there where I met her, actually. (She is bisexual, too.) I see her there, and play it cool like I’m emotionally ok, but not my usual cheery self. I hear her tell her sister about some other event that smashed her day, so I go over there to talk to her about it.

After getting the new event out of the way, she asks me what I’m thinking, and I tell her the honest truth: “What are the other 4 confessions?”

She opens up her notebook, skips past the first page (Titled “Confession #1”), and rips out #2, #3, #4, and a new, unfinished #6. I tell her I will wait to read them until I arrive at home. We chat for a little bit about various stuff, and the meeting ends and we go our separate ways.

Reaching my homely destination, I sit down and prepare for the bad news that never comes.

“Confession #2

Hey stranger. I just got off the phone with you, like moments ago, but I thought I’d add an entry before I went for more coffee. I haven’t seen you in like 36 hours, and I miss you desperately. It’s silly, I know, cause we’ve only been dating for two days, but I feel like I know you pretty well already and I really like you a lot. Please forgive my atrocious handwriting, by the way. it’s ordinairly bad, but much worse by a lack in caffiene hmm?

So about eight months. That’s what you and I have, about 8 months. October sounds distant, and out of reach, but I have a feeling it will rush to meet us. I’ll treasure every moment with you though, even the bad ones, should we happen to have any.

This one’s short, and pointless. Just the beginning of many many nights of wishy I were closer to you in these moments before sleep steals me.

(Heart) Zoe-Symone Taylor“

“Confession #3

God, I really mis you!! I was hoping you’d get a chance to call during work, but I guess not. It’s okay though, I would just love to talk to you 🙂 Hopefully our plans for tonight will hold up, because I really want to see you. I’ve been just sitting here, thinking about you for hours now. I haven’t even taken a shower yet because I didn’t want to miss the chance of talking to you. Hmm. That sounds revolting. Lol, like ‘I would give my personal hygeine to be with you!!’ Well, please forgive me, but I feel quite a strong need to shower and brush my teeth on a daily basis. I hope you understand 😛 You know, it’s strange how time eases things. Knowing that you won’t be reading these mostly pointless letters for some time now makes it much easier to be honest, to give you truth, and honest thoughts.

(Heart) Zoe-Symone Taylor“

“Confession #4

I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m ready to be in a relationship, I don’t know if I’m ready to let anyone love me.. I had such a good time tonight, I really really did. But everytime you and I got a moment alone in Trig’s, I could feel the fear, you know? I could feel how scared I am of loving someone I will love, or hurting that badly again. I could already feel some tiny peiece of the sadness, and it made me hold my breath a moment longer before releasing it, thinking ‘Am I ready for something this big?’ And I don’t know. Maybe I’ll never be ready. Maybe I’ll regret this forever if I don’t make this jump. Maybe these words won’t change anything. I just don’t know, not at all.

(Heart)? Zoe-Symone Taylor“

“Confession #6

I’m not sure when these letters will end. Possibly sometime soon, but I have no way of knowing, obviously. I know you’re hurt, and probably quite upset with me, and I’m sorry for that, I really am. But I can’t let you leave this country with my heart in your hand. Do you know what that would do to me? Circumstances are just against us. I can still remember all too clearly, loving and losing, and that was two years ago.”

A deep wound, but nothing fatal, I sigh and put the letters away, archiving them for safe storage. Moments later, as if some kind of God knew I was in need of chatting, Greg calls.

“A trip down memory lane” is the direction we went. We discussed Zoe, himself, myself, England, paki’s (lol), loads. We even discussed the possibility of us dating again. I told him I couldn’t go through it all again, (sounds like Zoe is wearing off on me…) and I meant it too! But, the sweet essence of his voice, the happiness and love that clouds behind it, the caring and generous words of friendship, of love, of dreams becoming reality, they got to me. I fell once again from the podium of which I had finally managed to steeple at. I explained to him my truest of feelings, and that I would love to date him again, but things would have to change. Things would have to wait until I am in England. “Circumstances are just against us,” I told him.

I told him the truth. I informed him that my teased heart still had his name inscribed upon it, but I’m not so sure I’d ever be ready for another relationship with him. I explained how much I was hurt at the end of the last one, and that “I can not do it again.” We came to the agreement that things would have to change, and things would be much different if we actually lived near each other.

So once again, my heart is ripped in two directions. One towards the east, where Greg faithfully awaits, and the other here, where Zoe pulls at me with a compelling grip. The decision is this: Choose one or the other, or choose a new or no one at all. The answer remains unknown.