I am remote. An infidel to this obscure world. I put a step forward and am drawn back 3. I am torn by the emotional self conflicts I have. I am scarred by the relationship with Greg. I am burden by the stress of work, school, and family. I am succumbed into remorse for a friend, who I hardly even know, because of what is happening in his life. I am angry at the world and angry at myself.

But I understand.

I understand evil is not some menancing git inside the deepest bowels of the earth. It’s not some measurement of one’s morals. No, it’s none of that. Evil is the what everyone of us goes through and encounters every nanosecond of every day. Evil is life. ‘Tis good, that truly sets one free from life. If you are not doing good, then you are doing evil. One must persue.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I write this blog with so many matters on my mind, yet so little time to say everything I need. Thoughts are swarming my head and it becomes harder and harder to focus. I attempt to clear my mind, stab one thought process at a time, but instead the thoughts stab at me instead. They are pricking my mind like needles on a blood patient.

I pissed off a friend the other night. I don’t know what happened. I mention one thing, he goes off on me for another. I’d like to say how it makes me feel, how I don’t really care, and just would rather forget it and pretend it never happened, but then I have to wonder: He reads this blog, am I posting my true thoughts, or what I want him to read? The answer: I’m not certain. Perhaps a little bit of both, although I cannot fully state the truest conclusion as I never have and never will fully understand my emotions.

Talked to Greg about a lot of stuff today. It was nice, I really enjoyed having such a thriving conversation with him. I miss him so much. Why can’t I get over him? As happy as he made me, there were plenty of times where I was completely unhappy, angry, even. As a matter of fact, I believe there were several times where I was extremely pissed, actually. I am certain this is true of any relationship, so why does it seem so different for me? Every day I go through and question my motives as to why I broke up with him. Every day I analyse what we had and debate whether it was right. Every day I think of him, and I think of me, and I think of how well we could have worked. Then, I think of how unlikely that was. How him and I just have fairly different personalities, and it’s not likely to work out. He causes me conflicts. I cause him conflicts. I don’t know if I’ll every truly stop loving him. I do not know if I ever want to. I do not konw if I want to move over there next year. I don’t know anything anymore.

In recap:
* I’ve fucked up my relationship with my (ex)boyfriend so bad, I don’t even know what thell is going on with my head anymore. No idea how to interpret the signs.
* I’ve pissed off one of my best friends because of my renewed habitually smoking. To be honest, I don’t truly feel as if I have an apology for what I said. I believe that you were harassing me because of a personal choice, and I felt betrayed and henceforth was angry and said a couple things. I am sorry for those, and I am sorry for losing your friendship. I need you in my life, you’re like family to me.
* I sleep none and I work way too fucking much. Sure it’s my own problem, but this is my own blog and I’ll bitch about it if I fucking want to.
* I’m wasting my life with work. I’ll never be this young again. We’ll never be at this moment again. This will never happen again. So why am I spending 4-7 out of my hours free time each day at work, sometimes twice that amount of work time? I don’t know. I wish I did, and I wish I didn’t have such a high responsibility as to do good at work. I want to remember what it’s like to be free, to have my entire life, not a schedule.

The only part of me that wants to be remote, is that part of me that wants to get as far away from this PC as possible and into my bed.

Cheers.