I know I have done wrong. I also know I have done right. The question is where does one find the balance on which to judge and compare the two? Does one outweigh the other? Is it all worth the pain, or should I save a lost friendship and bite the bullet? It’s not that I’m afraid to swallow my pride, I’ve always been willing to do that for my friends and for self bettering, but I feel like I deserve more too. Do I not deserve an apology as well? Harsh words came from both sides. To what extent am I willing to go for this apology? Perhaps he is expecting one just as much as I am him? Perhaps he is going through the same dilema as I? Perhaps he doesn’t even care? I’ve always tried to push for the feelings, I believed I deserve them, and I believe I still do; however, I have come to accept that pushing for them only makes them further away and harder to ascertain. Perhaps I will never understood what we had between us: maybe it was what I once believed it was, love, or maybe it is what I see it as now, an illusion of hopes and dreams forming into one person, subduing my mind into submission and care.

I didn’t know what to do then, I don’t know what to do now. Do I act and risk further pain and anger on either side? Judging from past experiences, that is likely the way it will go, but I want to believe more can happen. I want to believe a friendship will not die, I want to believe everything wasn’t just for the lesson of heartbreaking. I want this headache, this heartache, this queasy sensation in my stomach, all to go away when I think of him. I can’t stop thinking about him.