Shattered dreams. Unthawed heart. Feelings of hopelessness and resent. Pride. Ignorance. Putrid. Disgust. Unbearable. Pain. Anguish and depression. All of these are streaming through my blood, rampant fury amok my mind, my central estate. By controlling them, I can ingnore they do not exist. I can hide my anger, my joy, my depression, my confusion. By ignoring them, they only grow stronger and resurface later on.

But who gives a fuck. 🙂

Life is good still. Went to England, amazing trip. Met up with Greg and Ryan, met a girl named Sarah (not sure of spelling to be honest…); t’was much fun. Would enjoy doing it again, someday…

Four or so days after I return from the trip, I end the relationship with Greg. Between the distance, the amount of fighting that was happening, the fact that it really sucks having to pay $0.20/minute for a phone call, let alone the time changes, and several other various reasons such as sex (or lack thereof, in this case), growing emotional distances, etc etc, I didn’t want to put myself through it anymore. Felt unsure of the decision and rather emotionally disturbed and sick for a few days after that, but alas I have recovered now. Still slightly angered by a few things that happened, but they are in the past and I cannot do anything to change them now. I may as well just accept them for how they are and acknowledge that it did happen, learn from it happening, and try to never let it happen again.

So yeah, that sucked; however, it was also very liberating. Deslaving, or freeing, whichever is more grammatically correct. Meh. I don’t really care right now. I am laid back at the moment. Living in the moment really. At the moment I’m piss tired. Between recent events, and staying up way past my bed time working on my new website project, I haven’t encountered much sleep lately. Few occurences in class, and a few short hours every night. Ah well. Life’s a bitch. 😛

So I’ve had a crush on this gay (or maybe he’s bi, neither of us are really certain…) Asian boy since, oh I don’t know, I came out of the closet really. Thursday I went up to him in the Math Resource Centre, asked him if he had plans after school. In reply, “No.” After asking him if he’d like to accompany me to get some food before I had to go to work, he answered yes, and we exchanged phone numbers. Sweet. Call him up after school, and he’s watching Oprah. Hehe, cute really. 🙂 So while Oprah engages on, I change into my best casual clothes, shave, brush the teeth (yes, even though we’re about to go out to eat… I’m weird, I admit.), gel the hair again, spray on some cologne, and await his call. He calls, and I tell him where I live and he comes and picks me up.

We go out to Subway. It’s cheap, and I only have $12 on me. It’s also quick, because by this time I had to be to work in about 30 minutes. Perfect, Subway is just one block away from ShopKo, essentially. We order, and we both know the people in line. They treat, don’t make us pay for our subs, and give us free soda’s as well. Perfect, $12 still in my pocket. We sit down and don’t stop chatting. Everything is running perfectly, until…

Just kidding, no until, not yet atleast… After we’re done eating, we go out to his car. Driving to ShopKo, we get on the subject of past boyfriends. He’s nearly had a couple boyfriends, but hasn’t ever actually dated any of them. A few women, but he’s still not entirely sure of his sexuality. Sweet again. Who is, to be honest? There is a moment of silence after that subject, lasting for an eternity. What do I do? Do I ask him if he actually wants to date-date, make it official? Do I let the silence sit a while longer? Do I start up a new conversation. Do I look him in the eyes and kiss him? I’m not certain, so I rationalize and figure, if this is going to be anything more than a fling or little booty call, then you can wait until a little later before you make a move. Seemed like a good call.

He pulls into the parking lot and shuts off the car. No akward silence this time. I ask him if he is coming in too and he says yes. So we go in together, and I drop off my last roll of film from England. By this time I only have 5 minutes left to change and clock into work, so I tell him I should go. I inform him as brief as it was, I had fun tonight, and would love to do it again. He laughs slightly, which makes me a bit nervous for a moment, then asks me if I work tomorrow. Argh. I do. 1700-2300 too. Crap. So we decide that we’ll call eachother after school tomorrow and figure out something we can do after work. Rock on. I tell him good night and he leaves. I don’t push for a hug or a kiss and I don’t see him as trying to get one either. This is good. I would not know what to do if he was hoping for one. Never kissed a guy before, and in front of 10 coworkers could be an odd place for the first one.

Ten minutes before I finish my shift, my leg vibrates. Or so it feels like anyways, it was really just my mobile inside my pocket. I look at caller ID. Guess who it is. Wrong, not Somsak, my mother. Just kidding, you numb nuts. Don’t tell me you fell for that one too. Of course it’s Somsak! So we talk on and off throughout the night before going to bed (Separately, of course.) He informs me he won’t be at school tomorrow because of a funeral, so I bid him a good day tomorrow and tell him I’ll call him after school. I do so, but it has to be quick because we’re both in a hurry to get stuff done. We agree on me calling him after work, so I do. He has to go back to the funeral. Apparently it runs continously until Monday, but he only has to be there until early Saturday morning. We cancel the plans we didn’t have for tonight, then wish eachother a good night. I ask him to call me tomorrow when he wakes up and he agrees. Excellent.

All goes well. I just await his call in a few hours, after my next shift at work. Good news is, I only work at Crossroads today, finally have a weekend day off ShopKo. Woohoo. Hopefully Somsak and I can hang out today, and maybe I’ll make it official then. Maybe I’ll even experience my first gay kiss, who knows. Wish me luck world. Goodnight.