OVer the last week I’ve overcome an incredible amount of emotional and mental barriers, but I fear the worst is not yet behind me.

I’m almost ready to admit to the world, what I’ve just recently admitted to myself. It’s not that it is anyone else’s business, but if anyone reads this, it’s not as this is their business anyways. Either way, to those who do, either they care about me and want to try to understand me better, or it is as Brutus to Caesar.

That is something large on my mind, but I am still able to budge it over as another issue has arisen. Perhaps on the mental level, it is a little bit smaller; emotionally, a little bit bigger.

I am beginning to feel as if someone I know very well whom I’ve known for years, does not feel the same towards me as I do towards them. I have am able to accept this, as feeling cannot be forced, but it would be nice to know how the view me in their life. We have a completely open relationship, so I have every reason to be able to just ask him, it’s just I can’t without feeling somewhat like I am making them feel uncomfortable. I have shared a great deal with this person, and they have in return done the same, just not quite as foward. I love this person as if they were family, but I disgress in the fact I do not know how they feel about me. I guess I will just have to ask him and try not to make them feel uncomfortable.

Another thing I’ve had on my mind, is someone I also care about, but my feelings for this person are ever changing. I do not know how to go about telling this person how I feel without perhaps hurting them, and that is not my goal in mind. Copmaring this relationship with the prior stated one makes me appreciate the open relationships I currently hold with a few select people of whom I trust to an infinite amount.

What is the point of not having one? If you are not willing to have an open relationship, it is just as telling the person you are not willing to trust them, and that your friendship is limited. I am not one to place limits on myself, and I would not like to place them on my friends either.

One more point, is I have another friend with whom i am just beginning to know. He recently told me something that forever changed his life, something that is still with him today. I hope I can help him understand this issue, and hopefully help him move on with his life.

Finally, a huge problem on my mind is of a task concerning something I had never relaly put much effort into since year one; which is realistically coming back to sabotage me: school.

I’ve never been a good student. It’s not that I’m not capable, I’m just not motivated to do my work and do well in the class, unless it is something in which I have an interest in, like computers or Algebra or a newly discovered favorite, British Literature. I had never really bothered to care about passing, had the idea it would take years to catch up. Well, it has taken years, about 12, and now I am incredibly paranoid. After I was re-evaluating my situation this morning, I realized how screwed I am. Even with my 6 weeks of summer school, and an extra 10 classes next year, I still will not have the credits it requires to graudate. I will have to either attend night classes, which requires taking more time off of work, and therefore getting less cash to pay for these as well as my other bills; or I can become the class of 2007 rather than 2006. How unbearably pathetic.

I ask myself why did I put myself this situation? Am I truly that lazy? I would like to consider myself a hard worker; I do my best at work and usually can excel in certain aspects of it, but as per school I am unmotivated, I am a failure at it.

My Brit Lit teacher today was talking to me when I was down in the commons, he said a lot of stuff which really meant a lot to me. He told me how he was proud of my excelling work for my work on Hamlet, and he realized how it was difficult at times because I could relate it so well to my own father’s death. He is a wonderful teacher, and I think if I had him for any other given class, I would be excelling in that one as well.

Either way, I have a lot of work ahead of me, I know not where to start. Someone once told me to focus on one goal at a time, but it is hard to choose which one is more important in my life. Education, or my being happy?